Newtonian Physics and the Modern Man

Our fair Isaac may have had an unnatural fascination with apples, (shared by Eve, Steve Jobs, and apparently Gwyneth Paltrow), but he did get a few things right. The 1st rule (or 2nd or 3rd, I’m pretty sure there are only 3) of Newtonian Physics states that “A Body at Rest Remains at Rest”. Let me tell you, he ain’t just whistling Dixie.

After committing myself to finding a life, I came to the realization that would mean I might actually have to go out and do something! Clearly, this is not my strong point, (I am, after all, posting this a day late). My 1st step was to make a To-Do List. Lists are very good for people like me, as they allow you to feel a sense of accomplishment at having achieved something, and at the same time you don’t have to actually move all that much.

Number 1 on the list was to visit the gym. As a gay man, I, of course, already belong to a gym. If you don’t they take away the toaster oven you receive when you register with the Homosexual Agenda. However, the last time I went was some time last winter, when my apartment building’s boiler was being refurbished and we were without hot water. (Pretty nice showers, by the way)

My main problem is that every wall of the gym is covered with mirrors. When one is 15 or 20 pounds overweight, (okay, maybe 15 or 20 to some power to be named at a later date,) staring at one-self sweating and turning a disturbing shade of pink while struggling through a workout isn’t “inspirational”.

If stance and technique were all that important while walking I could understand. However, I’m not a member of a Precision Synchronized Treadmill Drill Team, and therefore, mirror gazing does not have a position on my To-Do List.

Maybe tomorrow, but today, this body is going to stay at rest.


Saturnalia (But Not The Good Kind)

Every 29 years, the planet Saturn returns to the exact spot in the heavens that it held at the moment of your birth. Since the days of Sumeria, Saturn has been known to forebode difficulties, burdensome trials, and painful growth.

This year, Saturn didn’t just return, it unpacked, called dibs on my futon, put its feet up on my coffee table, and is leaving its crap all over my living room. To paraphrase the great Philosopher Margaret Cho — “I just don’t want all of this shit in my house!”

At what point did my life become a really bad student film directed by an alienated Goth chick with an underdeveloped sense of humor? A question, I‘m sure, most people have asked themselves at some point or another.

In every person’s life, a moment comes when you have to ask yourself, “How the hell did I get here?” This is not the life I thought I would have, certainly not the life I hoped for. I’m not even completely sure it qualifies as a life. Of course, I know there is no one to blame but myself for this sorry state of affairs. No one attached an IV of ice cream directly into my arm. No one forced me to take this job (which is accompanied by the sound of my own soul being slowly sucked from my being.) No one made me choose watching reruns of the Nanny over finding a man. All me.

However, I won’t let that keep me from complaining. My Family Motto isn’t “Whingito Ergo Sum” by happenstance.

Which is why I have decided to get one (a life that is), and chronicle my adventures along the way. Mostly, so that those of you who are blithely skipping along, not aware of the fact that not everyone actually has a life, might be a little more aware of what you possess. (Okay, maybe it’s mostly because I enjoy talking about myself, but it’s at least 15% that other thing)

In short, my life sucks, here’s my story…