11.30.2006

6 Haikus For The Silver Fox

Anderson Cooper's
portrait by Diane Arbus–
Hunh? He looks normal.*

Anderson Cooper
knows what it's like to work hard.
He's a Vanderbilt.

Anderson Cooper
went to Hanoi after Yale.
I'll learn to make pho.

Anderson baby,
you don't need to worry.
No one else will know.

Anderson and I
have a love like no other.
We're just private men.

Anderson Cooper
wrote a book about his life.
No mention of me?

*Diane Arbus was known for taking portraits of freaks.

11.28.2006

A Whiter Shade of Neurotic

I previously stated that this column would be dedicated to my recently acquired dislike for white chicks and I am not one to fall through on promises (you in the back, you can’t stop snickering now, thank you very much). However, I think my therapy may be working (although between you and me and the wall, my new therapist is a little over-zealous in his shilling for the Buddhist Agenda) and my hatred has been blunted to the sharpness of a butter knife. So the vitriol won’t be quite as acidic as I had at first expected.

I’m not talking about the Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears type white chick, as they barely register as human beings and aren’t really worth commenting upon. If you’d like updates on the party girls latest rampages you can always get the latest 411 over at Perez Hilton’s gossip blog. (As a side note, during my brief stay in Southern California, I lived just down the street from the Hyde Lounge, a common stomping ground for the Toothpicks from Hell [aside from Britney, who has we all know is about one Moon Pie short of pulling a Shelley Winters]).

The current sub-species of White Chicks that is causing me the most consternation is the Office White Chick (the OWC). Every workspace has one, and every single one of you knows who this person is. No matter the actual temperature of the office, she is always freezing, and very vocal about her displeasure with this lacking thermal status quo. In the winter, the heat is never high enough, and during the hottest days of summer, the AC, even at the lowest setting, is apparently blowing a jet stream of ice particles directly up her skirt. To counteract this frigidity she is usually accompanied by a sweater tied about her shoulder in the notorious Wasp Super Hero Cape fashion and a steaming cup of tea or coffee she cradles in her hands as though it were the only cup of water in the middle of the Sahara. Inevitably, the heating is changed to stop her incessant whinging and the rest of us are left to sweat our balls off.

This same OWC is also the resident germaphobe who upon entering the office sprays every available surface with industrial strength pesticides, curiously at the same time as she is monologue-ing ad nauseum about her debilitating “chemical sensitivity”. She also takes it upon herself to act as the office contagion monitor and will quickly swoop down upon you (or the electronic equivalent) at the first overly zealous clearing of the throat or proto-sniffle with the suggestion that if we are “under the weather, perhaps we should consider heading home”, with a steely glint in her eye betraying the fact that she would not think twice about murdering you if you sneezed in her general direction.

The OWC is also known for the put-upon sigh she levels at anyone who dares to ask her a question, usually followed by a lengthy “answer” which covers multiple topics, usually in regards to how she really shouldn’t have to be bothered with your questions, and barely disguised references to your apparent ineptitude, all the while never providing anything resembling useful information. One would think that given her dislike of such questioning it would be fine to skip her in this process and go directly to the person who will eventually give you the information you seek. However, her wraith is never quite so mighty as it is if you “circumvent the proper procedures”.

The OWC can also be identified by her usual facial expression, one of school marm-ish disdain, a look that tells you that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you demonstrate your abilities, no matter what extents you attempt to meet her ever growing demands to what is correct, what is proper, you will never quite measure up, you will never be good enough. This is actually one of the first noticeable characteristics of the OWC and can be seen in her early state, the SCWC (or Snotty College White Chick). The latter being the major cause of my lack of interest in alumni activities.

Oh, and the other White Chick I can’t stand — Sandra Lee, of Semi-Homemade fame. I don’t care what stylish airs she attempts to surround herself with; she is, at her core, nouveau riche trash with a bad dye job. She, my friends, is exactly what is wrong with America (and I say that with a straight face). From her disgusting recipes (she is overly fond of Cool Whip and Taco Seasoning), to her tacky-ass “tablescapes”, she is the embodiment of everything I find terrifying about the women in those Stein Mart ads. She is an enormous sucking black-hole of taste (In much the same manner Andie McDowell is an enormous sucking black-hole of talent). In one recent episode she introduced us all to her most recent find — Indian Food! Who knew those people even ate? I’m not sure who her target audience is, but I don’t want to meet them, ever. (Luckily my extended family is made up of poor trash and therefore is not attempting to conform to her model.)

But enough about White Chicks. Here are a few little tid-bits about the homos:

1) Separated at Birth



And 2) a little Haiku I put together:

Anderson Cooper
loves his Papi Chulos dark.
I can not compete
.

11.18.2006

My Succotash Wish

Thanksgiving is upon us once again, much like persistent dermatitis.

I used to be a big old Turkey-Day whore, buying in to all the multi-course Rockwellian fantasy of the season, forcing my foreign or temporarily family-less friends into recreating the perfect Butterball tableau. However, as I age, the never-ending drone of holiday propaganda has gotten rather hard to bear. All I notice now is the constant refrain of “Family Uber Alles” (I’m assuming I’m not the only person who imagines subliminal programming as being voiced in Hogan’s Heroes-style Deutschlish), and if like me, you don't have any family, or rather, any family you would actually care to spend a tryptophan dirt nap with, then all the hoopla just adds to the mounting realization that if you are single and childless, or familially-challenged, then there must be something seriously wrong with you.

I could of course accept an invitation to a friend or acquaintance's family gathering. However I find that as college becomes more and more a distant memory, people stop perceiving you as a hapless tag-along, homeless for the holidays with nothing but a tattered backpack and a sheepish grin as baggage, a mainstay of Thanksgiving dinners for any family with a child in their early twenties, and instead start to see you as that guy, that guy they have to invite, because it's the polite thing to do, and besides clearly there must be something seriously wrong with him or his own family wouldn't have disowned him, and this is a fragile time for sad-sacks like him, suicides sky-rocket this time of year. I’d just rather not be that guy.

Hopefully, this Thanksgiving I will be working (fingers-crossed for time and a half) and I won't notice as the Food Network stops the Thanksgiving Jamboree and begins the Christmas Extravaganza of exactly the same recipes, with only a shift in color-schemes from autumnal browns to primary greens and reds.

Time again to prepare ourselves for the Right's annual WAR ON CHRISTMAS spectacular. It should begin any minute. One of the peculiarities of American Evangelicalism is its fanatical devotion to a philosophy of scarcity. In their world-view there is a finite amount of love, divinity, wisdom, redemption, or even reasons to rejoice, and they, as the superior, the enlightened, the saved (as a result of their other Gospel of Judgment and Condemnation, the Sacrament of the Us vs. Them, if you will) are bound and determined to make sure they are the only ones in possession of the limited goods. How sad to perceive of the world as a place where the validation and inclusion of any one else must also be the invalidation and exclusion of themselves. We can see in their opposition to same-sex marriage that they truly believe that recognizing the love and commitment of a same-sex couple directly results in the devaluation of their own love and commitment.

Nearly every culture, nation, or religion has some form of celebration coinciding with the Winter Solstice, many celebrations of miracles or times of peace and reflection, yet the Right can’t conceive of how the recognition and inclusion of these other holidays, in fact, brings the world that much closer to the world of peace and joy which their own Christmas is meant to celebrate. In their world, the ending of a war against those not like themselves, must be in itself a declaration of war against them. Between you and me, I’m pretty tired of war already.

That being said, if one of my “Happy Holidays” is returned with a snappish and pointed “Merry Christmas”, I have no qualms about bitch-slapping that asshole back to where they came from.

Sorry for the delay in getting this posted, work has been hectic.

Next posting: What the Hell Is the Matter with White Chicks? From Eating Disorders to Germ Phobia. Why are they always cold? And why does such a small percentage seem to have any sense of humor? I’ll list my current least favorite pale ladies and see if a possibly racist anti-white chick rant will finally make someone post a comment on this damn blog.

11.10.2006

America Hates Bush…and Fags

So the Democrats now control both the Senate and the House of Representatives, which in theory is a good thing, but in practice means the Legislature is now predominately centrist apologists. To paraphrase an old joke, the only things in the middle of the road are Moderate Democrats and Road Kill. “Middle of the Road” is a nice way of saying “Sitting on the fence.” Jeez, I sound like a Log Cabin Republican (Scary Marys, each and every one of them).

However, in all but one of the states with Ballot items proposing additions to their respective Constitutions banning same-sex marriage (and several making State recognition of any Civil Union or Domestic Partnership illegal), the Electorate decided once again to demonstrate their unease with butt-sex (at least with the way God intended it to be practiced). Arizona, on the other hand, was too busy putting the squeeze on Mexicans to squash the Lavender Menace. Lovely, so very … Christian of them, don’t you think?

However, with the elections behind us, it’s time to move on. My old therapist thinks my blog is cathartic; my new therapist thinks it’s counter-productive. What to do? She’s hip and with it, he’s an imposing Buddhist. A Therapist Death Match, perhaps?

In order to balance some of the negativity of the previous posts, I thought I’d take the time to mention a few of the things that I love:

Ugly Betty. It’s not deep, and it’s not serious, but it is oh so delicious. So many pretty colors, so many cute boys (Harry from Accounting is my kind of man), and Vanessa L. Williams not hocking that ProActiv crap. It’s like when Cher stopped peddling that conditioner shit and started singing again. Thursdays are Must-See once more. And if I miss it, Television without Pity keeps me in the know.

New jobs giving me a 17% raise 2 days after another job suggests perhaps I should review my Word skills. Ah…sometimes it’s nice to be noticed for something other than one’s lack of fashion sense.

Being lucky enough to be exhausted from working 3 jobs. Some people, like Denise Richards, barely have one. Speaking of — rent Undercover Brother immediately for the "recently" out Neil Patrick Harris as Lance, the white Affirmative Action Intern. I snorted, repeatedly.

Hummus…Hummy is Yummy.

Nigella Lawson has a new show! The Bettie Page of Food Porn reigns supreme! Too bad Dave Lieberman couldn’t get any of his shows off the ground; I could watch him spread mayo on white bread and still end up salivating like Pavlov's pooch. Now that Tyler Florence is whoring himself to Applebee’s, it’s time for a new guy to help me with my Foodie Woodie (well, it rhymes on paper).

Those are the silver linings in the current cloud formation of my psyche. Being positive gives me hives, no wonder I avoid it.

11.06.2006

H.R.C. and the HRC

That would be the former First Lady and Current Democratic Senator from New York, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and the esteemed, if not overly politically mainstream gay rights organization, the Human Rights Campaign, respectively.

Personally, I don’t care much for the Senator. Not for the same reason that conservatives don’t like her. Conservatives have always despised her, because at the time of her husband’s election in 1992, she didn’t keep her mouth shut and know her place like all the past First Ladies who kept their opinions to themselves and pickled themselves with alcohol and painkillers, the way the wives of powerful men are meant to do. No, my problem is that I still hold the parochial belief that Senators and Members of Congress are supposed to represent the interests of the people of the area from which they originate. As New York is not the Senator’s home state of Illinois, nor the state where she went to college, Massachusetts, nor Law School, Connecticut, nor the state in which she spent most of her husband’s political career, Arkansas, I’m not quite certain exactly why it is she feels she can represent the interests of the people of a state she really hasn’t spent much time in at all. But then, what is our other option? Giuliani? Well, lesser of two evils and all that.

Recently at a meeting on the Upper East Side, the Senator spoke with various members of the gay community, discussing how her position on same-sex marriage had “evolved” after lengthy discussions with her friends within the gay community. I’m usually a big supporter of the theory of evolution, but in this case, I believe “evolved” is a euphemism for “changes depending on who I’m talking to at the moment.” We must remember that the Clinton Administration is responsible for “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, a policy under which more gay and lesbian service members have been drummed out of the military than ever before. They were also responsible for the Defense of Marriage Act, which at the before mentioned meeting, the Senator claimed was passed to prevent a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Not really sure how an act making it illegal for the government to recognize any same-sex marriage is that much better than a Constitutional amendment making same-sex marriage illegal in its entirety. Perhaps I’m missing some of the finer points.

She also defended her prior statements that marriage should be a union of “one man and one woman” (this was prior to her evolutionary epoch) based on it having historically always been so. Well, historically women were not allowed to inherit property, or vote, and historically white landowners were allowed to own slaves. If we really want to follow this argument, we would all still be living in caves, because historically, up until the point the first hut was built, that was how it had always been.

Personally, Same-Sex Marriage has always struck me much like Obesity. For those who suffer because of it, it is quite miserable, however, in the whole scheme of things, you’ve got to be in a pretty good place for it to be your main problem. I mean, having too much food to eat is a hell of lot nicer problem than starvation. And not being able to marry is a lot nicer a problem than being hanged, lynched, or say disemboweled for being suspected of being a homosexual, as happens throughout the world. Of course, I might be a bit more worked up about Marriage, if I thought there was ever a snowball’s chance in hell of ever finding someone willing to marry me. I can be a little…off-putting.

That being said, I do have a few ideas, which I think should be pursued in the quest for marriage equality. It seems rather odd that no-one else has thought to try these; however, perhaps some of my more legally minded readers could explain what I’m missing.

There is, theoretically at least, a separation of Church and State in the USA. However, marriage is the only religious ceremony which imparts a governmentally recognized legal status to those who participate in it. No-one gets anything from the government when they are confirmed – no tax breaks for being baptized – no medical benefits for the bar mitzvah-ed – just marriage. And as the Religious Right would rather imploded (not that I would stop them from doing so) than to allow marriage to exist solely as a legal contract, I think we should play along.

Make Divorce Illegal. If marriage is such a sacred economic transaction, then no-one should be able to get out of it. Seems to me making waves in that direction might make a few of those hypocritical multiple-divorced conservatives willing to make a few concessions.

Make Marriage a religious ceremony only. If it’s so sacred, then the government shouldn’t have any of their dirty secular little fingers in it anyway. So allow the churches to define marriage as they like, and remove any and all legally granted benefits for marriage. No tax breaks, no guaranteed inheritance, or legal protections in court. For myself, I would be fine with this. Remove governmental preference for those who get married, and then it’s just a matter of whether or not your religion recognizes same-sex unions. (This also leads me to the subject of gays belonging to religions which define gays as abominations against God. To me, there is no more pathetic example of self-hatred than one who continues to worship a deity which is disgusted by their very being. There are other practices, denominations, religions which don’t condemn gays.)

Why hasn’t anyone sued for the rights of marriage under the umbrella of Freedom of Religion? My religion recognizes same-sex unions, therefore, how does the state have any right to deny recognition of that union. Doesn’t that amount to the Government denying me the right to worship as I choose? This entire public debate has been couched entirely in Christian religious doctrine. Government officials refer to the Bible for moral justification of persecuting same-sex unions. Well, the Bible isn’t the source of my moral code, neither is the Koran, nor the Torah. My right to worship is recognized by the Constitution. For the government to recognize the participants of one religion’s coupling ceremony for inclusion in a legal status, and not include another’s is tantamount to the government recognizing one religion as being preferable to another, and discriminatory to that religion. Doesn’t that violate the Constitution?

On another front, here is a speech by Ross Anderson, the Mayor of Salt Lake City, which made me rather proud to be an American (which has been a fairly rare occasion for the last 6 or 7 years)

11.03.2006

Under New Management

So I fucked up. What else is new? I said I was going to do all this writing on my blog and then after a month or so, I bailed. Which shouldn’t be surprising as I’ve bailed on just about everything else I’ve ever attempted. All I can say is that if you know me, which all of you do (to some extent), then that, in and of itself, was fair warning.

As you can see from the redesign, I’ve decided to take this column in a new direction. Rather than chronicling some attempts to change my life (the results of said attempts being massive face-planting in a manure–pile type results), I’m going to use this as a soapbox for all my venomous, vile rantings and opinions.

Though some of you may find this hard to believe, I have spent most of my life trying to be a nice person. To that end, I have not given voice to all the mean, angry, rage-filled thoughts I really think (to varying degrees of success, as some of you can bear witness). Now that I’m 30, that‘s gonna stop, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Consider it an exercise in embracing my shadow-self, as Jung would say; giving voice to my rage, and realizing that the world won’t come to an end, after all. It was my therapist’s idea (and she’s met Naomi Campbell, so she knows all about rage).

Don’t worry, it’s not going to be all narcissistic and self-masturbatory as it sounds, and I won’t be writing about any of you (all those venomous, vile rantings and opinions get vented elsewhere), but I’m not holding anything back, and if in doing so, I insult or offend one of you by accident, I say “Tough Titty.” My hope is that by giving voice to all the things on my mind, I will be giving voice to some of the things on your mind, and you can get a vicarious little thrill at being mean, without having to actually be mean. And perhaps, I may just be a little more pleasant in real life, and I think we can all agree that, to quote another royal bitch, “…is a good thing.”

So, here we go.

Whose bright idea was it to have John Kerry make a joke? He’s a freaking politician, we all know politicians have all the comic timing of Andy McDowell (when she’s trying to be funny, not when we’re laughing at what a miserably pathetic excuse for an actress she is). And surprise, surprise, he fucked it up. For those of you who haven’t heard, John Kerry tried to make a joke about how if you don’t study and get an education, you end being a dumb-fuck president who mires the entire world in a miserable war in Iraq. In his attempt, he ended up implying anyone in the military must be an idiot.

Despite the fact that America is rabidly anti-intellectual and quite “proud of their aggressive ignorance”* (i.e., Toby Keith’s song where he admits he has no idea where Iraq is, but he’s all for blowing it off the face of the earth), as a nation, we really don’t like being called stupid. (Although voting Bush in as president twice is pretty damning evidence of our intellectual deficit). The last thing the Democratic Party needs right now is more ammunition for the Republicans to turn to Middle America and say “See, all those East Coast Liberal Snobs think you’re stupid.” Whoever wrote that joke needs to be shot, repeatedly. Although, if I’m honest, as an East Coast Liberal Snob, I do think most of Middle America is stupid (okay, I think most of America is filled with morons), but that’s just me, not everyone thinks that.

The interesting thing is, what Kerry said was true, on multiple levels. President Bush is a simpleton fuck-head and we are mired in a senseless war in Iraq. (I’m just gonna let that stand without any supporting evidence, because in my world, that’s as obvious as the sky is blue and fire is hot).

Also, military recruiters target the poor and minorities who have historically not had the same basic educational (let alone higher educational) opportunities or resources. The end result being, if you haven’t been lucky enough to get a good education, there’s a good chance you might just end up as cannon-fodder somewhere in Iraq, because the military would probably strike you as one of the few opportunities available to better your life.

(By the way, I’m not going to bother to search for citations for my facts, because this isn’t a book, and as opposed to Ann Coulter, who just makes shit up, I’m only going to state things I believe with my whole being are true.)

The problem is, if that’s what Kerry meant, he did it in a horrible chummy, aren’t we smarter than those poor saps who didn’t know any better, kind of way. And that’s exactly how the Right is spinning it.

The long and the short is that the Left is up shit creek if the Democrats are the only viable voice out there, because they had their spines surgically removed years ago. I had a moment of hope when Howard Dean was made the head of the DNC, until I realized that his surprisingly swift fall from front-runner candidacy (because he yelled too much? W T F?) was orchestrated by the Democratic Party, because the idea of an actual liberal candidate that could motivate the Left and possibly alienate the moneyed baby-boomers who vote Democrat out of habit, scared them shitless. So they give him the DCN chair, he drops out, and not surprisingly, he puts his own ambition ahead of the people he claimed to represent. And business goes on as usual. La Dee Da…

So, if Kerry’s just fucked himself out of running in 2008, what’s that leave us with? Hillary Rodham Clinton? I’ll save my opinion of that Carpet-bagger (and no, that isn’t a lesbian joke) until next time.

Okay…not sure I’ve hit my stride, quite yet, but give me a little time. There’s so much that pisses me off, (well the whole world really), so I’ll get the claws sharpened soon enough.

* Kathy Griffin “Allegedly”