2 Holiday Poems

Ann Coulter's a bitch
I think that bears repeating
Ann Coulter's a bitch

Jenna Elfman screams,
"Hey, have you raped a baby!"
Naaahh, it's not a cult.


Poofs in Space

A few line items that have been bouncing around my head:

Antonio Banderas has a new scent available at Walgreens entitled “Antonio” (inventive, no?) The ads for said scent show Antonio getting all Latin Lover with some waif like brunette model. It is the “Scent of Seduction” after all, what ever that means: (poppers and a crisp twenty, perhaps?) The problem with the ads is that before no one could give a flying fuck, Antonio and Melanie Griffith were parading themselves around like they invented lust, shoving their public displays of “affection” down all our throats. So, in essence Antonio is participating some sort of mercantile extra-marital affair, and the entire thing just kind of icks me out (well, more than A.B. icks me out on a regular day).

A&E had a new movie premiere Monday night entitled “Wedding Wars”. The basic premise is that McSteamy from Grey’s Anatomy is marrying Mona (Ross’s girlfriend) from Friends, who is the daughter of a governor played by Mr. Barbra Streisand. So McSteamy asks his gay brother, Uncle Jessie, to be their wedding planner, and everything is fine, until Mona’s Dad announces his support for a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. Uncle Jessie gets all up in arms and the gays go on strike. Hilarity, of course, ensues.

Now, I had the idea for a Gay strike several years ago. Without Gays and Lesbians, America would come to a standstill. Well, at least large portions of America would stop functioning, like television, politics, fashion, etc. Actually, if it weren’t for gay people, the world as we know it would be very different. Women wouldn’t have the right to vote, the slaves would never have been emancipated, the Nazis would have won WWII, even Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream,” speech would never have taken place. But because we had Lesbian Suffragettes, Abe Lincoln (who had a rather passionate relationship with one of his Illinois compatriots), the Gay mathematician who broke Germany’s Enigma Code, and the Gay organizer of MLK’s March on Washington.

At the time of my original idea, a friend mentioned that he thought it might backfire with a backlash. Unfortunately, I allowed his concern to stop me from formulating actual plans for a National Gay Strike. I should have mentioned that any possible future backlash wouldn’t be all that different from the current backlash we’re experiencing now. I think it’s time to revisit this idea.

David E. Kelley, the creator of Ally McBeal, The Practice, Boston Legal, etc. has created a new show titled “The Wedding Store,” and not surprisingly, David has envisioned a world were a large collection of wedding planners does not include one single gay man. Some of you may have heard my rants about Kelley in past. What drives me crazy is that he is known for his “liberal” perspective, but in fact is incredibly conservative. His female characters are sniveling messes, or ball-breaking bitches, his black characters are always noble individuals who are the sole successful member of their extended poor, law-breaking, drug-addicted families. But at least he has female and racial minorities as lead characters. Gays only ever appear on his shows as psychopathic murderers, cross-dressing victims, or in general disruptive forces which usually are killed off by the end of the episode. I really hate David E. Kelley.

Now that Enterprise has been cancelled, it is probably a completely moot point, however, I have been reading about the sad story behind the lack of gay characters on any Star Trek show. I know those of you who are not Trek enthusiasts may not see what the big deal is, however those of you who are familiar with the shows may be interested. Star Trek has been ground-breaking in its portrayal of a utopian society in which poverty has been overcome, and social equality is the norm. To a lesser degree they have also shown a world where gender roles have been eliminated. Though on the actual shows themselves, the female characters have a tendency to fall into more nurturing, or administrative positions, it is referenced that women do fill all those other command and typically “male” positions…elsewhere. However, in this Utopian society, there are no gay people, ever.

Gene Roddenberry, before he died claimed that we would see a gay character, but those who inherited the helm of the Star Trek Universe have refused to fulfill this promise. Rick Berman and Brannon Braga, who currently helm the franchise, refuse to even acknowledge the issue. Rather than realizing that merely a reference to the existence of gay people would suffice, they continue with lame arguments that Star Trek is not about sex (which is contradicted by the fact that every single main character in every series has been explicitly shown to be straight) or with one-off “issue” episodes that allegorically kind of address sexual minorities, but in the end re-affirm the heterosexual norm. Or they give the whole, “sexuality isn’t an issue in the future” argument which doesn’t explain why we only ever see one sexuality portrayed—heterosexuality.

In Enterprise, Berman and Braga were allowed to explore their own sensibilities more so than in other series, according to an interview with Braga, and the result explains a lot. The show stopped being an ensemble and instead focused on the three lead white male characters and the Vulcan babe with the huge tits. The good news that their vision of the future was flatly rejected by Trek fans and was the only series to be cancelled due to poor ratings. However, with Paramount funneling the franchise to their Spike channel, it’s clear that the studio doesn’t have a clue what the series means to its fans, or who its fans really are, choosing to believe it’s hormone-raging teenage boys that make up the audience.

It’s hard to explain to someone who isn’t a fan of the franchise how deeply saddening the entire issue is to those of us who care. If only I could sit down with Berman or the honcho in charge, and explain to them where they went wrong, and then slap them up side the head, if they don’t get it.

Okay, I’m depressed.


Look At Me — I’m Sandra Lee

I know my little tirade on Sandra Lee seemed a little unfocused, but never one to disappoint, she almost immediately aired an episode which shows in detail exactly why I think of her, as a silicon-based life form once referred to humans on an early episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, as an Ugly Bag of Mostly Water.

During this particular episode Ms. Lee, in all her peroxide glory, was to create a wonderful Italian meal, which included Spaghetti and a Bread Salad. Lest we be confused as to the fact that the episode was dedicated solely to the cuisine of the great Boot Peninsula, her set was decorated in exaggerated red and white checks and leaning against the ledge over her sink was a large metal sign reading CUCINA. We get it Sandy — Italian, you’re making Italian. Only, there was one little hitch in her giddy-up. For dessert, she was going to tell us how to make a delightful ice cream cake using candy bars! (From the look of it, Twix, yes that’s right, Twix, because they are the national confection of Italy, after all.)

You see, it was her very, very, oh so very special “Venetian Ice Cream Cake”. Now, “Venetian” is the adjective used to describe something pertaining to Venice, and Venice is a city in Italy, a very famous one in fact. Here’s the problem…the cake she was making looked an awful lot like the confection Breyers produces under the name “Viennetta”, so called because it is a Viennese Ice Cream Cake, a suspicion which was proved valid by the fact that even after Ms. Lee continuously described her dessert as Venetian, the caption on screen under this hideous faux-dessert very clearly read “Viennese Ice Cream Cake.” So, I knew it was Viennese and her producers knew it was Viennese, but apparently, none of them could bring it upon themselves to inform her that it was Viennese, nor that “Viennese” is the adjective used to describe something pertaining to Vienna, a city in Austria, not Italy, a country where they speak German, not Italian.

Do you understand now why I think this trashy bitch needs to be stopped, immediately? What more proof do we need that she is, in fact, detrimental to the further progress of human civilization?

On a much happier note, Henry the Accountant made his return on Ugly Betty. Let me just say that it has been my life long romantic dream to find a man just like Henry the Accountant. A geeky man who looks HAWT! in his little rust sweater. Damn! I mean seriously, where do I sign up? I swear, I’d behave, I’d be nice; I really would. I’d love him, and hug him and call him George. The 8,749 stars visible from Earth under optimal conditions clearly state that I am due some seriously good nookie, and geek nookie is by far the best (as opposed to nerd nookie, which usually involves medieval costumes and open mouth tongue wrestling…I’m still processing that unneeded sight on the NYC subway).

Bizarrely, I’m also finding myself very attracted to Evil Marc. I’m usually not very fond of the overly groomed and coiffed type, but I suspect that I’m actually attracted to Michael Urie, the actor who brilliantly portrays Marc every week, and he’s been quoted as saying he’s much more of a jeans and t-shirt type guy, which is right up my alley. (Does that read as dirty as I think it does?) Although, I have been worried that the fact that he is continuing to be listed as a Guest Star meant that he was going to be killed off soon. However, once I learned that they filmed the pilot in NYC and then moved the show to LA, I’m pretty sure it’s the result of some clause in his contract that would allow him to ditch the show to come back here for any theatre projects he really wants to do. Let’s hope.

Interesting to note that the Brazilliant Becki Newton who plays bitchy Amanda with the Uber-Eyebrows is the sister of Vassar’s own Matt Newton. The siblings are both gorgeous, talented, and smart. I would hate them, but I’m guessing Becki is probably as nice as her brother, which kind of makes me want to hate them even more. Vicious little circle isn’t it?

Haiku time:

Henry, My Henry,
I will watch Rudolph with you.
But the Elf scares me.